I can burn all 5 candles at once and sticks of incense, because I like the variety of scents. I can stay in bed, licking poetry off pages of books and spitting it back out in my sloppy torn up notebook. I can write as sloppily as I’d like because my writing is illegible no matter how neat my handwriting is. I can leave the lights on when I go to bed to keep the monsters in my head at ease because I sleep alone and I have to protect myself. And that’s okay. I can take the long way home to finish my cigarettes because I have nowhere to be and no one to be on time for; I can ride with the windows down and the heat on high because even though the cold seeps into my bones I like the way it snaps me back into reality. I can scream as loud as I want because no matter how loud I scream no one is ever around to hear it. I can cry because that’s ok. I can prefer bones to curves because it’s my body, not yours. I call my mother when I’m lonely just to be reminded of what home sounds like. I still get drunk and call you even though you never answer. I like to remind you that I’m here if you need me. I’m allowed to hold into the past until the future gives me something that’s worth letting go. I will curse your name because you were the first taste of love I’ve ever had and you ruined it for me. But I will still love you as much as I did when we were 13 years old. I’m allowed to love my scars because they remind me that I’m still alive. I’m allowed to hide them when they become obnoxiously loud. I’m allowed to scream “I don’t want to talk about it.” I’m allowed to pack my things and drive across the world. I’m allowed to be simply because I am. No more no less. That’s okay.
YES WE ARE
+ [30-12-13] - Self-portrait | Kaleidoscope-Blue — taken in my home in Nigeria.
Note: one of my favourite Self-portraits to-date. I find the stories behind my self-portraits are often far more enjoyable than the portrait itself. Aside from the fact that I’m serving you guys 90s-soft-grunge-realness. HA!
In this particular shot, I am looking at my mum! She caught her “little princess” (don’t you dare laugh) in the kitchen at 7 AM taking photos. She was up, doing laundry and walked by the kitchen and caught me in the act. After a while, she dropped the basket she had in-hand, stood by the doorway with arms folded and watched in admiration. (Probably ‘cause the dress I’m wearing was hers back in the 90’s and I snagged it from her wardrobe. (((:)
I tried to maintain a straight face, but her glare was so intense, I broke. I looked over to her and I just melted.
I don’t think these words do justice to what was encapsulated in that moment, and how significant it is to me.